Why I hate Gak

Congrats

2006-05-31T16:22:45Z

I'd just like to wish congrats to everyone whose last day of school was either today or is coming up soon. We'll have to get together over the summer and catch up, I know I haven't been able to hang out as much as I would have liked to have been. Oh, and good luck with the summer/graduation/college next year.

Speechless, uninspired, and full of holes...

2006-05-05T18:12:30Z

I had a horrible nights sleep. Too much thinking evetually leads to worrying, and worrying leads to the manipulation of ideas and feelings into what they are not and should not be. I feel as though I've lost the love and care that I once had.

People say to me that I used to be a more colorful person, full of passion and life. And now, I can't even imagine myself being like that at all... nor can I remember being like that, which I find unsetteling.

I know that over the past few years, I have lost many things... both friends and interests alike. Either they end by separation, a fight, or lack of interest, they fall like a trail of dominos. But last night should have never, ever happened. It's not fair, and it goes agasint everything I've ever stood for. It's not what I want to be. It's not what I should be. To sit here and wish for something to just happen is a coward's way out. I need to change the person that I am, the way that I act, and the things that I do. I need to go out and reclaim what I have lost and make it right again, tie up any loose ends, and fix what has been wronged. It's a place to start, at least.

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to realize all this. That I never really saw the conesquences to my actions. I'm sorry that you got hurt in the process.

Fat Tuesday

2006-02-28T19:04:11Z

Hey Everybody, I just wanted to wish y'all a Happy Mardi Gras. As the unofficial mascot of the holiday, I feel it's my duty to preform such an act, hope everyone has a great day!

(no title applicable)

2006-01-27T07:01:31Z

I feel like all I am is a miserable shell of the person I used to be. What was once jolly and delightful has been replaced by cold, crass and uncaring indifference.

Years ago, when I was much younger, I thought about the person I would be. I laid out a plan, and for quite some time, I adheared to it with strict dedication. I was kind and giving, always willing to lend an ear, full of advice and speculation- but never condescening or overbearing about it. A zen-like figure with a jolly sense of humor, a round face, and bright eyes.

Now I look in the mirror of my soul, and I can't even see the person I once was.
What was once humor has become cruel, biting snaps and jibs at those I shouldn't.
I used to have a much rounder face, with much brighter eyes. I would always watch my face in the mirror, not becasue I found myself attractive, but becasue I wanted to watch the way my face moved; the way I jestured, to get a feel for myself and how others precive me.

I hardly even recognize myself anymore. My face is so much thinner than it once was; I have a somewhat defined jawline instead of a doublechin, my cheekbones no longer protrude, the stubble on my face makes me look somewhat rugged, my eyebrows have a defined line on them that makes them look cross, and my eyes always seem to have a dark circle under them.

I think that in some way my soul is being strained. Parts that i used to use religiously are now pushed into the corners of my concious, and the parts that used to fester and be ignored have risen to the surface.

My light has turned dim, my shine has tarnished, my padlock has rusted.

I no longer have any of the joys that I once had in my life. There are so many things that once made me happy, that I used to enjoy doing, or would look forward too, or that I would want to do, and now it seems like I have nothing of the sort. It all just seems trivial, irrelivant, or not valuable.

Good God, I sound like Dan.

As Adam Sandler once said, 'what the hell happened to me?'
Sometimes, times like this make me genuinly sad. I'm not sad right now though, which I really feel is the strange part. Even though I feel as though many parts in my life have turned sour, I still have hope that things will get better.

I had the best semester ever last fall... My gpa got me on the dean's list at one of the top biology schools in the country... I made a fair number of friends there, and also was able to get in contact with an old friend whom i'm rather fond of... this semester seems like it will be one of the easiest yet, no term papers, essentially all it is is tests, labs and lecutre, all of which I'm very good at accomplishing. In total, I made nearly a grand over the break, most of which is either in the bank or in my moneybox about to be put in the bank. I'm no longer working at a stressful job, I've got a much more
relaxed work environement now and I'm much more comfortbale there.

It just seems like nothing is good enough for me anymore.

It seems that everyone I know has some issues either with thier job, personal life, family, health problems, the list goes on and on and on. Then there's just me. I have no right to bitch about anything. My college is being paid for, I've got free room and board, my car needed over 1000 dollers worth of repairs and my parents are paying for it. Yet I still find time to bitch about people, about whatever I deem fit, becasue i really feel like i've started rotting on the inside. I'm a bitter old man who deserves to be left alone.

Then why am I okay with all of this? Why did I let this happen? How did all this nonsense happen? Years ago, I pondered the idea of where i wanted to be later in life. I speculated that I would more than likely go in one of two directions. Either i would find what i was looking for in life, let my inner passions out, and share the brilliant light from my soul with those around me. Instead, I've started to beceome what I feared I would- the other option. A careless individual who has little concept for the things that really matter in life, who is ungreatful, bitter, and truly unhappy. When the time comes, my life will consist of my job, and little more. My passion fruits will have ripened, falled, and begun to rot by the time a graduate, and they festering stench of decay will permiate my soul eternally.

It is the fate i have chosen, one which i cannot deny. I have been starved for those things which i've needed for so long, and there is no way to undo the damage. Although I will never be 'right' I can still accept my place. This is where I belong. And so help me God i'm going to make it work. If something happens to change me, then let it come. I truly want to say that i would welcome change with open arms, and be accepting to new ideas. But I know in my heart that there is no way that I would ever opperate in such a manner. I'm far too stubborn an individual to let something change the way I am, It has to be done myself... But is there any desire for me to change? Would the path i'm on even be slightly shaken by any attempts i could make? And what would be the costs otherwise?... I can't even begin to speculate. The shutter of my preception is closing fast, soon it will choke me until I black out everything and anything i choose. By that time, i will have my occupation which i will more than likely hate, and little more than that in my life.

I must say though, reading all this is very intriuging... where it will lead me i never know.

This is my fate, this is my place. I knew this is what I would end up doing, what would end up happening. I was a fool to think anything could change it.

It is foolish to beleive that nothing can be changed. Anything is possible with the mind, even if something does not change a difference can still be percieved by the brain. To sit and wait for fate is merely foolish and lazy behavior.

Anything can be changed if you truly want to change it. It can either be fixed, righted, or resolved. But to bend to the will of something one may have some control over is simply absurd, especially when all of the parts are not truly understood, all of the concepts not known, nor all the outcomes determined.

The stress on the parts of my mind has become more than it has ever been... This needs resolved, internally before anything else can be done.

Jogging Through a Hailstorm

2006-01-23T03:24:23Z

...is what feels to me to be one of the better titles for journal entry for myself. Gripping, it sounds more like the title of some poetic book or some lifechanging movie based on a true story... like Cinderella Man or something.

Anyway, I've had quite the eventful past month or so, but I really feel like I'm right back where i started.

Perhaps...

2006-01-09T07:33:36Z

It's a funny feeling, the one I've got right now. I'm neither sad nor happy, angry or elated, bland or blah. I'm just kinda... here. Maybe I miss school? Is it possible that my lack of coherence is directly related to my lack of effort?
Good Grief, I think I acctually miss learning. That's what it has to be. I know It is now... thank you, elljay, for helping me out.

Oh, and there are still some loose ends to be tied up, but they will be solved within the next few days.

I feel ill...

2006-01-08T01:47:49Z

Something is definitly not right. I've got this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, I haven't eatten anything all day, and there are just so many thoughts going around inside my head right now.
Maybe I'm worring too much about things that I really can't do anything about?
Maybe I should just let things play out for once in my life?
Maybe I should take action and force things to go the way I want?
That would be a change. A real change for me.
I just don't feel up to par right now... Considering how much I've had going on the past few days, I suppose that is understandable. And to all those who've I've seen over the break, I love you all. I miss my friends soo much during the semester, it's truly heartwarming to catch up and have things bee just like old times. Either way, I think I'm going for a jog despite the super-coldness outside... I need some way to clear my thoughts.

*idea*

I can't remember the last time I meditated.

Nostalgia... Ain't it great?

2005-11-14T05:48:43Z

When I was kid, I used to watch The Wizard of Oz on a daily basis. I think everyone had a movie like that. The one that just made you happy just to watch it. You never really knew what was going on in it, or really got the deeper meaning of it, but you just have some inexplicable fixation with the movie and that's just how it is. That feeling.
I really haven't sat down and watched the movie since I was a kid. I've seen bits and pieces, had it on in the background, but never acctually sat down and paid attention.
The movie really is incredible. Considering the fact that it's well over half a century old, made before WWII for cryin' out loud. The color, the sets, the characters, and the acting. All of it brilliant. I can't even believe it's this well aged. Classic. So it's all sorts of nostalgic for me to acctually sit down and watch the remastered version of the film, picking up on all the one liners that I missed when I was still a kid, and I realize that there's so much more there for me. The film is so much of my childhood. The film is me.
Okay, so maybe that's a little out there, but the movie makes me happy and thats just how I feel right now.

Also, I love christmas. I hate the way that stores start putting out decorations the day after halloween. But today and friday when I was working I got to help Daryl decorate the pharmacy with way more Christmas crap than a pharmacy should have. I love doing it, I can't explain why. It's just another one of those things that's been a part of me since I was a kid, I'm just drawn to it. My house becomes transformed around Christmas time, with all sorts of onamental crap taking up every free inch of space; it makes me happy. I've got my own dreams about christmas, and just everything about it makes me either happy or sad; it's really either hit or miss.

Also, I got Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and I compared this back to back with Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. The origianl has been my favorite for a long time now, so that brings back memories as well.

Anyway, at the rate things are going with my childhood resurfacing, I'll be playing with my legos instead of doing my chem paper tonight.

ilikeeating @ 2005-11-11T04:11:00

2005-11-11T09:16:56Z

I know that for my choice I was once ridiculed and teased.
But it's nights like tonight where I know, deep down in my heart, that I made the right decision.
I love you. Beautiful, ugly, and everything in between.

This probably shouldn't even be posted

2005-10-31T07:35:18Z

But I can't get it out of my mind. It drives me up the wall to see my friends upset. That's not something that would normally be expected of me, i come across as cold yet humorous, but i'm terribly sentimental and the people i hold dear to me are so much a part of me that when they hurt it really fouls me up too. When i see the people i care about being miserable and upset and ready to cry and just dissappointed in general i want to do something to help them. I know that's not possible in most cases but now there's one where i feel like i just want to shout about it. I see so many things going on, and i know i should just keep my mouth shut about it. I don't want to stay quite anymore. These things need to be said. i see it going around in circles over and over and over again and the nausea makes me have to stop it. Theres a point where i really don't think i can live with myself anymore if i just keep these feelings bound up. I know alot of it may come across as anger and judgement but i know that. I judge people unfairly, and i know that it's horrible. but i'm blunt about my judgements to merely prove a point. I see things and ideas, patterns and occurences and i just want others to see them as well. They don't have to like them, they don't have to agree with them, they don't have to act on them. I just want them to see what i see. If they can at least do that, then i'll be happy. But these feelings need to be let out at some point. These ideas can't be contained forever. I see things now that make me feel sick to my stomach, that i fear may become permanant and will eventually consume that which i care about...
is that rationale bad?
The only reason i care so much is becasue i'm afraid of loosing it.
But didn't i always care this much?
yes, i did. I've always cared this much. I've just been afraid.
and now i see peril that i have encountered before, and i've been idle up until now. i've been afraid to act. i could never gather the strength or the metal fortitude or the courage to speak my mind. a stronger persona in me needs to come out and act upon this. i can't do this with logic. i can't do this with kindness, i can't do this any other way aside from a slap to the face/wake up call.

I don't know if i can though... am i afriad to do so?
no, i don't think i am....
no
i'm not.
this needs to be done.
and
so
it
shall
be
done...

But what of consequence? Could this all just be for nothing? My worry meaningless and my actions void?
That no longer matters. This needs to be done for me. I need to express myself before it dissipates into the void. What matters most right now is me no longer being afraid. No longer running away. No longer being weak like i know others have been.
I need to be me, for good, for worse, or for not.

Just a little update....

2005-09-16T05:35:49Z

So yeah, I'm at York College of Pennsylvania now... I don't know if I mentioned that before, but that's what i've been doing with myself latley.

I miss my friends from over the summer. I got used to always having nick, hersh, jackie, and everyone else around. I know this is the third year that everyone's gone away, but I really think it's starting to hurt a little more since I'm all alone now. Well, not really all alone, but there were people up at hacc that i knew, and now i don't know who anyone up at YCP is. The people there aren't all that friendly either. To be honest, i think the frats and the like are starting to take over the school, and it's really becoming sectioned off. Oh well.

Chem is a pain in the Ass. The lecture isn't even that hard, it's just that in the lab we have to keep an anally retentive notebook that has to be specifically to the instructor's demands. It's insane, and I understand that we need to know how to document what we do, but there are more efficient ways of doing so. It annoys me greatly.

My weight loss has been upped over the past few weeks, I've lost a solid 40 pounds this summer, and I'd really like to drop another 10 or 12 before the end of the year. That'd be ideal, but I'd be more than content with just not gaining any weight back over the winter.

So, I guess that's really been a majority of what my life has consisted of right now, school, weight loss, and not seeing my friends... to be honest, I think there's a real silver lining to my involentary seclusion; it allows me to really focus on where I want to go in my life. I do feel alone, but the solitude allows me to devote a great deal more of my mind to the things that will make me into the personI want to be. I want to study hard, get at least a 3.5 in all my classes, drop some more weight before the end of the year, and just kick more ass that i ever have in my life.

...but i still can't help but want someone to share these experiences with me...

God Damn It

2005-09-10T21:38:06Z

I went to Boarders today, to get my dad a gift card. As I was entering, I saw a 'very much my type of girl' walking into the store. Naturally, I held the door for her, and in return, she held the inside door for me. As I passed her, she flashed me a smile. I then went back to look at the DVDs, and then went to the front to get a gift card. She was in the front of the store, looking at the stand with manga. I went up to the opposite side of the stand, looked for HiMM manga, and then got my gift card. As I was waiting in line, I looked back at her once or twice, and caught her looking at me. I smiled back each time, and that was that. She soon after left, and then I did as well a moment later.

I got to my car and realized what had just transpired.

My reaction can be compared to that of Matthew Perry in the beginning of "The Whole Nine Yards".

Allow me to explain, as best I can.

I said nothing to her after opening the doors, aside from thank you. No asking her what she was getting, if she reads alot, what kinds of books she likes, HER NAME, nothing. I parted with her, I didn't even look back at her. *punches self in the brain*

When I returned to the front of the store and looked at the manga, I said nothing to her, nor did I even make eye contact. No, "oh, so you like anime too?" or "so what's your favorite anime?" or anything like that. Just coldhearted, analytical jackass, looking for HiMM. *slams head into wall*

While I was in the checkout, I noticed her look at me more then once. I could've left the line, gone over and talked to her, motioned for her to come join me, or something like that.

It took me until I got to my car, but I realized what had happened. When I first opened the door, she thought it was nice/possibly thought i was cute (i had just shaved, had a new shirt, and just gotten a shower/freshly AXE'd myself.) When I passed her, she didn't just flash me a smile. it was 'the smile'.

You know, that kind of smile when a girl is on the phone with her boyfriend, or when she sees a guy she thinks is cute, or when the guy she likes randomly starts talking to her. THAT smile.

And simply put, I blew it. I had all sorts of chances to talk to her, at least find out what she was like, and who knows, maybe gotten her number. But its gone now, never to return again.

I just needed to rant about this. Just goes to show how sad and/or pathetic I am.

Either way, I'm going to spend more time at Boarders, methinks. ^_^

You know, there are few things that really get to me...

2005-08-23T04:30:46Z

But tonight really got to me. I have only a handful of things in my life that I really hold near and dear to my heart. And albiet, there are many things that get under my skin, there are few that really shake me to my core.
Tonight, such an ordeal occured. I'm not an angry person, I don't get angry. I get hurt. Hurt, and dissappointed. That's the only way I can describe how I feel right now.
I'm going for a jog. Goodbye.

Well, I suppose I've ignored this damn thing for over a month...

2005-08-06T15:51:18Z

... which means I think it's time to update.
My job has acctually begun to grow on me, I'm rather fond of the people I work for.

Hersh came back last week, and with him, he brought all sorts of pokerness with him. So far for the summer
I'm up about 150 bucks... not bad considering how bad off I was last summer.

I've gotten to see a good number of my friends over the summer. Hung out with Booble way too much though, hah. Hersh's been good to see again, I don't think things'll ever change there. Dan's very interesting to go walking with late-night, we usually end up discussing creation/universe/philosophical themes, and they tend to get very, very interesting. Jackie has been around a lot too, which I find simply delightful, seeing as she is just that. I've spent a few evenings with Denise and Kasey as well, and things are always enjoyable whith those to and company. Seen Amy a couple of times, which always leads to a delightful time (despite us usually being late for things when we do). Had lunch with Mary earlier yesterday, and a few other times this morning.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is a simply delightful movie, I'm going to see it in about an hour with Katie. Apparently, she's been holding out on all her friends just so she can go see it with me. I feel all sorts of special.

I know this really wasn't much of an update, but I feel like i should since I haven't in a while, and I probably won't for another while yet. Jackie and Mop get back from thier vacation this weekend, so I'll be hanging out with videogames for the next week. So don't get used to this sort of thing, tehe.

Shayna, if you want to hang out sometime this comeing week, leave some words, k? ttyl everyone.

Far to awake for sleep.

2005-07-04T08:48:23Z

Normally, I love my brain. I love my logic, the power of it, the way it can remove myself from nearly all situations and give some sort of analysis of it with little to no self intervention. I find it incredibly useful and the fact that it fits perfectly into my personality is no mere coincidence; they feed off of one another in some manner I have yet to understand. The only flaw, I've found, in this design and function, is what can happen when something I don't want to think about comes up.

I was raised in a family that always feared the worst. My mom and dad are both horribly paranoid that the world is out to get them; our front door is always deadbolted, but not fliplocked. Even if we are all home and awake, our house would litterally have to be broken into by an intruder, nothing is ever unlocked.

And such is with my brain. When something that is merely for observance purposes goes though my wonderful brain, I can pick and choose at will what to view and see and interperate with little or no effort. When something important happens to me then it kicks into overdrive and overanalyzes the shit out of it. Now, the good parts and the good outcomes are all well and... well, good.... but any negative aspects tend to be blown out of proportion. Becasue they are of or relating to me, my personal emotions get in the way, and I tend to go around in circles driving myself nuts.

The situation is complicated exponentially if there is nothing I can do about the matter. For whatever reason, the drive to help people has been stirred in my being. I think it may be the fact that I, as a whole and overall, am a content and happy individual, and any extra effort that I may have should be put forth to those who are unhappy... I suppose it's similar to 'giving to those who are less fortunate than myself' but that makes me sound like a jackass becasue I'm essentially calling everyone who isn't me less fortunate... anyway, back to important talk.

Tonight I'm very much in one of these moods. The brain gets going a million miles a minute and I have no desire to go to sleep even though i have to be at work in about five hours. I just start thinking about everything and start to analyze it like I've shorted out, for lack of a better term.

For example, I was in the shower about five to ten minutes ago, and I began thinking about my parents.
Background: both still married, happilly i'd say, but nothing like giddie kiddie love. they love each other functionally, as i like to call it, but they are still very affectionate to one another. My mom basically took care of the home, and my dad worked 8 hours a day, if not more, for us.

About a month ago, I realized what I wanted from my life. I want to provide for my wife and my daughter (should i be so fortunated enough as to have both). I don't know why I came to the conclusion, but I want to go to work, work my ass off, and then come home and realize what I'd worked so hard for, my dearest and darelingest female counterparts. I just feel that this is something that i want to do with my life, provide a stable income from a stable job, provide a decent home in a preferably suburban neighborhood and for lack of a better term and effectiveness of redundancey, 'provide' a good and decent living for my ladies. I know it may sound unrealistic, and way too planned to acctually happen, but it's what i'm bent on.

Back to my parents. My mom has essentially raised both myself and my sister by herself. My father (yes, i'm well aware that i call my parents mom and father... i'll explain) hasn't played that much of a part in my overall social development. when i was younger, i'd get home from school, my mom'd already be home, and i'd hang out at the house until about seven or so, when my father would come home and he'd pretty much just eat dinner and relax, talk with my mom and go to bed. he was much more professional and not really very affectionate during my childhood, so i think the overall feel of the word 'father' is more applicable than the affectionate 'Dad', and it's convienient that's how things turned out. Not really much to it.

It had just dawned on me tonight that if I could lead a paralell existance, i think I'd acctually be happy.
I didn't even make the connection that I wanted to be similar to my father until I'm 20. The thing I find analytically interesting about this is the fact that he never really did anything to promote this. I never got lectured, instructed, bitched or yelled at to 'get married, have kids, and take care of them'. never. I'm assuming this all transpired in my wonderful brain, and the fact that i was able to just observe and deduce would be enough. Well, if my father had intended on raising someone who wanted to provide for a family merely by example, then he succeded. I can't say i'm really supprosed though, he was inches away from a PhD in psychology.

That random tangent basically goes to show how i am right now; off the wall and going a million miles a minute. I don't want to let anything negative out, becasue all of that nonsense is usually unrealistically depressing anyway. This is just one of those things that happened to fall into my thought process and became acctuallized by accident.

To conclude this entry I'd just like to wish everyone well who's been having the not-so-best-of-times. If I were a religious individual, I would say my prayers are with you. However, since I lack the term, I think it's safest to say that my most hopeful thoughts and wishes are with you. Alls well that ends well, goodnight kids.

Well that was certinaly interesting...

2005-07-01T07:13:17Z

You kids are great, you know that? We simply must do that again sometime. Hope I didn't offend anyone TOO badly... and sorry Shayna.

Happy Birthday SHIZZODD

2005-06-22T08:19:46Z

So, today I celebrated Todd's birthday. Well, I dunno if you'd really call it celebrate, but we got a chance to hang out for the first time in a long, long time. Basically, I went over to his house and chatted, went for a drive up to Walmart, then to Giant, then home. So it really wasn't anything exciting by any means, but still 'twas fun. So this entry is dedicated to the Birthday of Todd.

Today, being tuesday, was per tradition Hooters day. It wasn't anywhere near the same as it's been though, Dan wasn't there. You simply must understand something. He and I have gone to Hooters for lunch every week for the past year and half, with maybe two absences on my part. To be there without him just seems weird. His constant bitching was missed. His cynical viewpoints are truely irreplaceable. Stupid camping trip.

I managed to get my hands on a new pair of headphones this afternoon, since the other ones just piss me off. Just for the record, here's the trend i've gone though with my headphones over the past month or so.

Headphones break and I repair them. They are at least a year old and I rule.
They finally bite the dust becasue the wiring in the one headphone is shot. No, not the one i lit on fire(suprsingly).
I purchased a replacement pair, becasue they rule and I'm brand loyal.
Two weeks later, they get caught on something as I stand up and one of the wires tears loose, good thing they're only 30 bucks.
I go back to circuit city to purchase another pair. They have none left, so i buy another pair of headphones that look beafy enough to produce the awesome sound I love so dearly.
The phones are good, but not great. They look sweet and fit well, but they just don't have the same boom too them. Also, I think the cord is faulty to some degree, but not that noticibly.
I go back to circut city to buy a pair of my oh-so-treasured phones, and after much searching, locate my precious.
I found out that it was my cd player and not the new brand of phones that was faulty, so I went to walmart and got a new walkman. It's pretty. I like it.
And the combination of new phones and new CD player work very well together.

So thats basically all of my CD player adventrues. If you seriously read all of that, i pity you.

I met Jason Ekard (sp?) tonight. he was sleeping outside of todd's house when we got back at at 3:00am. Apparently everyone else knows him except for me, so now I know who he is and that's good.

I was going to write some more in here but then Amy told me she had a new entry up, so I read that instead and it took a while. So, now I don't feel like updating. So stop reading this and go read hers. It's much more interesting. Go on, Shoo!

So yeah....

2005-06-19T23:17:41Z

I was out jogging today, and I was approaching a rather low hanging tree.
As I ran underneath it, I small pinecone looking thing fell out of the tree, landed on my head, then rolled off onto the pavement.
I then proceded to stop, flick it off, and keep on running.

Something to do in the middle of the night...

2005-06-15T07:53:35Z

Well, I'm sick of playing Halo 2 and I haven't updated in a while... So here goes.

I've once again become exceptionally content with life. My birthday was the other day, and I got calls/birthday wishes from alot more people this year than I have in years past. Also had a couple of birthday get togethers for the event, which is always pleasent. Birthday presents rock as well. Acctually, I only got one, but I love it more than almost everything else ever. The soundtrack to SPAMalot... it's incredible, I love it, it makes me happy. It's just so jolly and light hearted, humorous and genuinely enjoyable.

The process of unfatting has gone rather well this summer so far. In the past month I've lost about 20 pounds or so, so I'm on track to loose my goal weight for this summer. I really hope jogging dosn't kill my knees/hips/ankles though. Tag had to have a hip replacement becasue he ran too much, and I fear that the same may happen to me if I get into the habit and wear it down... but that shouldn't happen, becasue i can't picture myself as a health nut.

I've gotten to talk to a bunch of people and gotten closer to them than I've been recently. I've been spending lots of time with Kasey, and that's always a fun time. I feel Jackie and I have become closer than ever; i haven't a clue what i'd be without that girl. I've also talked to Caroline via working with her at CVS and giving her rides home if we work the same shift. She's quite enjoyable to chat with; I hope to get together with her and amy and laura over the summer. You kids are such great people, unlike any i've ever met, and will ever meet.

The one entry I wrote about control/power/stupid people got me in alot of trouble. In keeping with that tradition of getting myself in trouble by voicing my opinions, I'ma talk about my views of the genders. tehe.

It seems everyone thinks the genders should be equal in every way, shape, and form.
Personally, i don't feel that this is right. The genders aren't equal, deal.
Now before everyone starts jumping down my throat about being a shovanistic pig, let me explain myself.
I think women deserve equal pay for equal ammounts of work in the same career. I, personally, don't think that anyone should be paid less for working hard at a job, no matter if they're different or not. Any minorities, gender or religious differences should not be entered into how well a person gets paid if they are on par with everyone else with thier title.

Overall, and as far as society and humanity is concerned, women are the more important gender.
Biologically, women are by far better suited to survive during 'tough' times; men are for the most part dispoable. And realistically, a few men can continue a population if there are many women surviving, a single woman cannot maintain a population within a large group of men.

This is just my personal opinion on the matter, but only 'women' can be/act like 'mothers'. I think that good parenting is hard to come by nowadays, and a mother is one of the most influential parts of thier child's life. Now fathers are important as well. An authority figure is always important to instill discipline. But for the most part who is the more loving/forgiving/understanding gender? the female.

Men are programmed. Men can be househusbands, but I think that there are few and far between that could be considered the type that could be a 'mother'... if even such a male exists. Only women can be mothers, and that is if they should choose to be.

The intriguing thing is that women can either be mothers, or they can either go out and be buisnesswomen and choose that path. Men really don't have that choice, they're not good at maintaining a family or home. Most men mindlessly go to work everyday to provide for the family, but i really don't think they have the capacity to contribute much more than security and authority to the greater good of the family. It just seems to me that women have the ability to make a house a home... and i think that's where the old saying 'if momma's not happy, nobody's happy' comes from. A father could never take the place of a mother, but a mother could go to work if she had to and provide for her family...

The way I see it is the men go out, prattle all day at thier jobs, and bring home money/love/things to provide for the family. I think men are eternally trying to win over the affection of women, showing that they are still valuable and that they still care about the family. This idea esentally puts women in control, for they have the ability to choose which man they will let provide for them.

For now at least, men rule the world. Most corperations are run mostly by men, and many positions of authority are traditinally held by men. However, women rule over men, plain and simple.
So would the world be any different if these corperations were run by women? Personally, i don't think so. At least not much different. A corperate woman would have very similar thinking to a corperate man, so i don't even think gender enters into that issue. So basically, the fact that most wives have (or at least should have) control over thier husband, and the fact that a working woman can be just as useful as a corperate man, definitly tips the scales in favor of the female gender.

It's true, men are pawns. And I, personally, wouldn't have it any other way. I love women. The confident aura of an older woman is the sexiest thing I've ever encountered, and i can only hope that my wife will be dripping with the stuff. And for me to be willing to do whatever necessary to make her happy; i wouldn't have it any other way... ... ... is that creepy?.... yeah, probably....

So anyway, theres some 'o my ideas. Hope you all enjoyed them at least.
If not, write all sorts of angry/pissed off comments in my... comments....
and i'll read them and try to re-explain myself if i missed something. Night y'all.

Have you ever had one of those times....

2005-06-04T07:56:16Z

When something comes out of your past and just reminds you of things? I just did.
Remember a guy by the name of Lou Bega? Mambo #5 ring a bell. Yeah, that irritating song thats going to be stuck in your head all day. Him. His CD by the same name is acctually suprsingly catchy, and I'm listening to it now for the first time in probably at least a year. Some of the songs bring me back to the days of high school times, and I've forgotten the ties I had to this silly little plastic-coated metal disk... She's my beauty.... she's my beauty on the T.V. screen... yeah, she is.
Indeed, Mr. Bega, she is.

The Darkness Comes

2005-05-25T09:11:41Z

The Darkness comes, can no one see
it slithering so silently?
lurking in the oblivion that we cannot begin to comprehend
jerking and contorting the simple minds we are, to end
the bastardesque illusion that we all think to be our lives
turns out to be the single thing that we, alone, despise
anyone can stand for something and their reason for it just
yet seeing contradictions makes one crack and turn to dust
the mirror of reality casts an image just as well
as does the shadow of our person and not a single soul can tell
what their reflection is and what shape their shadow does posses
for in both of these expressions are our true feelings expressed
what lurks in all our hearts and souls can never be contained
to never know whats festers until the rest of us is drained
of all the power that is used to seal away our thoughts and dreams
vitality has left and thus the inner blackness reams
the hearts and minds and souls, it makes a vile mess
deep in the bowels of our persona causing subconscious distress
the darkness writhes and feeds and immortal now it forces
the logic and emotion down, there are no longer the resources
for mind to gain control and the heart and soul to fill
while the body now collapses, emotionless and still
the swirling void consumes all things that were and are to one
and when all hope is finally gone, the darkness will have won
and will it be the end for all? the darkness surely thinks
it will spread though each of us though our sinning evil links
the cycle it shall never stop, it will surely only rend
each of us a worthless shell, and only here will our time end.

Just bored at 5am, and feeling like poetry. Comments are more than welcome. (rhyming couples rock my face off).

Over the course of about a month...

2005-05-21T07:10:07Z

Suprisingly alot has happened. The thing about it is, it just hasn't hit me yet. Finals week has come and gone, I'm totally done with HACC, the summer is here, friends are home, I've begun unfatting for the third stright summer, and i just don't feel all that excited about any of it. Seriously, the fact that I'm never going to go back up to HACC has just not dawned on me yet, and the fact that I'm going to York in three months just seems so far off...

I'm starting to like my job... not so much the act of counting pills, but the fact that I'm acctually providing a useful service to people is rather rewarding. Albeit the pharmacists get all/most of the credit for what goes on in the pharmacy (as well they should) I still feel somewhat responsible in the way that people leave there with something that they at least hope will make thier lives easier... I hope I can someday experience that feeling, but by doing something other than handing out pills and birth control.

Birth control. I don't know why, but it bothers me. It never really did before, becasue it hasn't been an issue in any part of my life. I can't even describe it, it just bothers me. Especially becasue 'the pill' bothers me, but the idea of getting a viscectimy (okay, that can't possibly be the right spelling) or a girl getting her tubes tied dosn't bother me at all.

Guns bug me too. This isn't coming up just becasue the elementry school I went to recently had a murder/homicide, either. I came to the conclusion that guns bother me a long time ago. I don't care if people who are responsible, capible, SANE individuals have them/use them to shoot animals/protect thier familes with them, but just seeing guns creeps me out.

I think it's a power thing... I don't think people are capible of having power like what our society allows.

A girl can take a pill and have unprotected sex and (more than likely) not get pregnant.
Anyone who's of age without a severe criminal record can register for/aquire a small firearm.
People can walk into a doctors office and in hours have thier face/body/image changed sergically.
Any idiot whos over the age of 16 and a half can go though some remidal driving demonstrations with an instructor and in twenty minutes have proof that they are capible of controling a 2000 pound hung of metal 65 MPH down the highway.

Theres countless other examples that are too numerous to mention here.

I just don't get how some people thing that this country is so confining... so closed.
We live in one of the most open socieities in the world, and these freedoms, along with countless others, are a part of it. I don't think these freedoms should be taken away from us, not at all. I'm just trying to say that there are some idiots out there who screw evertyhing up for all of us intelligent people, and in some instances, it really makes me sick.

So yeah, I got of on a rather odd and off the wall tangent there, but i'm content with this for an updated. Hope y'all enjoyed my eliteist rants, more will hopefully be coming soon.

So it's been a while...

2005-04-24T00:55:33Z

I haven't updated in what I feel is a long time, so i owe it to myself to let out... whatever it is that i let out in these. The past week has been, in short, exhillirating. I had a two tests, a book to read, a paper to write about the book (citations/examples and all), a chem paper to do, as well as three quizes. Thats the part that sucked, but it sets me up to talk about the next point. I had some great experiences that were new to me this week. I've never been able to understand busy people. I know some people just can't sit still, always need to be doing/going to/planning some sort of event and I just never understood why someone would want all that stress. The past three weeks have been quite the strain on me, every week has had about as much work in it as this one, minus the readings. The addition of my new job didn't help matters much either, but i'd hardly call that a stressful situation. Now, since i've been all sorts of busy latley, i've noticed that when i am forced to be busy, i tend to want to stay busy. I sat around last night and today, only for a few minutes, before i became bored out of my mind. usually I like to relax and unwind on friday nights and saturday days, but right now i just feel wired. I want to go for a walk right now, but the rain is really impeeding me from doing so... i wouldn't want my 'ghettoed' headphones to short out. I like the feeling of wanting to do something, feeling like i need to keep myself busy. It makes me feel more accomplished when i acctually.... accomplish.... tasks. For example, I'm much more motivated now to loose weight this summer. I intend to loose about another fifty pounds by the time winter roles around, so wish me luck, everyone. I don't know what posessed me to start, but i've begun jogging instead of walking for most of my walks. Its gotten to the point where i can get up to half my normal routine done by jogging, which is probably for a good 15 or 20 minutes worth of jog. I think thats pretty good, at least for me, anyways. I hope that the added cardio boosts my metabolism, thusly continuing the unfatting process. This is a good weekend, one of the best in quite some time. Last night, after i got home from work, i got a call from dan asking if i wanted to go to a late night eat-n-park breakfast buffet. I was feeling rather bored at the time so i figured 'why the hell not?' and agreed to go. Each week Dan and some of his co workers go up there and eat a crapload of food, tell funny stories and just have a jolly ol' time. I'm glad that i could be a part of that, i'd like to go back sometime, but not get the buffet. During the event, Dan gave Leo and Dave a call, and wanted them to come out. They never showed up, and by the time we were ready to leave (about 1 am) Dan decided to give them a call and see what they were up too. It turns out that dave was just having a few drinks at his house with ryan, and dan and i decided to go over and see them. They're all over 21 by the way, and i didn't drink anything, nor did they once i got there. It was the first time i've ever been around one of my friends who was legitamitely drunk, and it was funny as hell. Still, i don't think that drinking is my cup of tea (bad pun), but after the hillarity that was last night, I think i can say that i don't have a problem with alcohol in a controled type envrionment. Then we listend to some of ryan's mixed music, which i must say is incredible. he said he'd burn a few cds for me, and if i ever get ahold of them i'll have to play them for everyone, they're just incredible. today was a good day as well. I woke up, had a light breakfast, and went for a walk/jog. the combination of moisture and allergies kept me from jogging too far, but i was able to walk at full speed for most of the walk without slowing down at all. once i got home and got showered, i gave jackie, who was working, a ring to see what she was doing. Then i called Cindy about plans tomorow, which we've gotten worked out. After that, I called Amy, who had just gotten back from her first day at work. We went for a drive out to subway and met up with jackie, and the three of us were there for a few hours. If either of you two read this, just want you to know that i had a great time with you, and that I love each of you. I hope that we can all hang out more often over the summer, casue i always have a great time with both of you (or either of you, individually). And so now, here i sit, bored. At least this makes me feel like i've accomplished something. I think it stopped raining, I'm gonna go for a walk. C'yall later.

ilikeeating @ 2005-04-17T00:04:00

2005-04-17T04:05:06Z

Does anyone have problems reading my livejournal? just a simple poll to see what everyone thinks of the color scheme.

I feel a strong aura of poetry...

2005-04-14T05:48:14Z

...but am too lazy to acctually write some right now. I'd much rather talk about my day/week, both of which have been awesome. The highlights of haning out with/associating with girls has been suprisingly frequent despite the fact that it's still schooly time. Anyway, Saturday afternoon/evening/night jackie and I went to brothers (big suprise) and hung out there for a while. Then she had to go to the libraray up at messiah to find some poems she had to do a paper on. Since i had planned on spending the night reading anyway I decided to go read while she did her research. About three hours later i was only 80 pages into the book, which was rather upsetting casue thats a really slow reading pace. It was good seeing Jackie and hanging out with her for most of the day.
Sunday was pretty boring, i had to work from 10-5 and when i was done i wanted to get a bite to eat. I gave katers a ring and asked if she wanted to go to brothers; she suprsingly declined. Alternatively, she suggested that I go over to her house and help her make dinner and assorted deserts, and then stay to consume said items and watch desparate housewives.
Now lets see here: Katers + Beef Stew(Pies)^2 / Desparate Houswives x crazy family - douchebag little brother = Aweseome time. I've never had a big family or a chaotic household life, espeically since it's been just me and the tag and the turd.... and you know how exciting those two can get (remind me to tell the story of how the turd wants me to get rid of rabbits in our yard...). But just being around all of them for dinner and just talking and cracking jokes, it was all just such a great time... although i do feel kind bad for lindsey (sp?), she really does take alot of the brunt of the jokes... but i think even she gets a kick out of it. So basically it was a great night all in all, and I can only hope im invited back sometime soon for a romberger-sica dinner extravaganza!
Yesterday's weekly Fat-Asian guy excursion to hooters was quite possibly the best trip yet. We've befriended two of the waitresses there, and they've (god knows why) started to take a liking to us. Now, for those of you who don't regularaly dine at hooters, theres a rather predicatble pattern of how the place operates. The waitresses find a table of guys that they enjoy being around most--> the girls hang around that table alot and bringing the other girls around just to hang out (hehe) talk, or whatever --> everyone else in the restaraunt looks on at the lucky bastards at the table, green with envy.
well, for the first time ever, that table was us. whoopie. just all sorts of crazy type stuff happened. The girls were playfully throwing little packets of 'sugar' at us; i picked one of them up and said 'one of you guys dropped your nametag'. they were all like 'awwww' and stopped. heh heh, i rule. they girls had lots of fun playing with leo's big head and putting tape all over him. Dave got some pictures on his digital camera, the should be on the net by now, poor bastard. Oh, shannon came to me twice for my mitten-like qualities, that was most enjoyable. She also brought me a random dinner, and i can safely say its one of the best sandwiches i've had in a long time (buffalo chicken sandwich with chedar cheese and bacon... mmm). One of the last things that happened was one of the girls that works there forgot her socks, becsue she wore flip flops in. So she gave us money and dave and i drove over to kmart to get her a pair so she wouldn't get yelled at by her boss. She didn't get a chance to properly thank us (she was behind the bar) but i'm thinking we're due for some sort of reward (hugs) next week... we're a sad breed, us fat/asian types.

and that's pretty much everything cool that's happend since i last updated. aren't you all just so jealous?... yeah, i didn't think so.